The Modern Guide to Vampires

Thank you for purchasing The Modern Guide to Vampires, the newest title in the globally best-selling Modern Guide series of undead reference works.  If your problems extend beyond vampires, we hope you will also consider purchasing other products from our catalogue, such as The Modern Guide to Ghosts, The Modern Guide to Zombies, and The Modern Guide Home Exorcism Companion.

It is our goal to provide you with the knowledge and skills you will need to protect yourself from the sanguinovore menace. This booklet will explain how to find, identify, and deal with vampires, all while lowering the risk of becoming one yourself.

What To Know

Let us begin with some facts about vampires, assembled by our dedicated staff after long and quite often dangerous research. You may be surprised to know many of these findings fly in the face of the conventional wisdom concerning this particular undead menace.

First of all, vampires are not necessarily smarter than you. Vampires are creatures frozen in time, which means they are only as smart as they were at the moment they were created. What’s more, most vampires show little inclination toward continuing education, and for that reason become somewhat anachronistic in their practical knowledge. This would seem to explain the veritable plague of vampires amongst the history faculties of those colleges and universities that offer night classes.

If you are suspicious that someone is a vampire, here is a simple test that will avoid alerting them to your hunch: Ask them for their take on a historic event appropriate for their apparent age – the Sept. 11 attacks, say, or Watergate. If their opinions are replete with seemingly counterintuitive references – such as frequent condemnation of Visigoths – they might be a vampire.

Of course, for every rule there is an exception.  It is worth noting that vampires created from well-educated people during and after the Internet boom of the 1990s seem to break that mold and continue to expand their knowledge base in their areas of interest, most especially technology. Still, some might unwittingly offer the careful listener hints, such as an unshakeable devotion to Mosaic or the decided opinion that Usenet could still return to its previous position of prominence.

Vampires likewise do not possess mystical physical prowess. Like its mental faculties, a vampire’s strength and dexterity are fixed at the capacities they had in life. Thus, a man who was weak and slow when he was turned will still be weak and slow as a vampire. Vampires are aware of this, of course, and having a reputation to maintain they tend to primarily hunt down the young and hale when making new vampires.

However,  even if you have a superior physique to a vampire you are battling, it will still claim an advantage.  Because though it is only as quick and strong as it was in life, you must remember it is also always as quick and strong as it was in life. Their muscles no longer build up uric acid, so they are able to operate at peak physical efficiency 100 percent of the time. Even more critically, they never tire during a fight. Combined with their inability to feel pain, this promotes the perception of superior physicality – a perception they’ve happily encouraged over the centuries.

How To Tell

The commonest mistake a new undead watcher makes regarding vampires is to assume that because they are soulless, vicious, megalomaniacal demons, they can be found working in fields appealing to that personality type. Human resources, for instance, or for a health care conglomerate or cable television provider. Politicians are naturally suspect, as well.

We at the Modern Guide have conducted exhaustive studies of this theory, though, and found there are few such stereotypic ties between vampires and particular vocations. (2)  But not to worry, there are far more reliable indicators for you to watch for.

The most glaring example is that vampires (contrary once again to their popular image) are plagued by poor grooming. After all, they cannot see their reflection in a mirror or their image in a photograph – how, therefore, will they ever know how they look?

Observe closely the suspected vampire. Is the part in his hair straight, or does it wander aimlessly?  Is her makeup applied haphazardly, or has she dispensed with it totally? Is there something on their face that wouldn’t escape a normal person’s notice? (3)  Any of these could indicate the person you are dealing with is a vampire.

Naturally, there are ways the fiends can address these shortcomings. Minions, for example, could supervise hair styling and makeup application. Perhaps the biggest threat to the human race is if a vampire equivalent of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” caught on, teaching these creatures to wear hairstyles without parts and how to tell when it’s time to update the wardrobe (or where it’s best to wear that Victoriana). However, vampires largely being singular creatures, these issues will likely remain of only minor concern.

What To Do

There are other tricks to help determine whether the being in front of you is truly a soulless sanguinovore. First, take a look around you. If you are outdoors, is it daytime? Then the suspect individual is not a vampire. We know this seems obvious, but a quick review of newspaper reports (4) and court records (5) from any jurisdiction known to be home to vampires will provide ample evidence that this simple step is far too often overlooked.

Should the encounter be happening indoors, however, you must take different steps.

Firstly, if it is daylight outside endeavor to remove some or all of the drapes, shades, blinds, or other window dressings. This should elicit a response from the suspect being that will help in determining whether or not it is a true vampire. (6)  If you perceive yourself to be under a direct threat, you would be well-served to employ innovative problem-solving  in such a situation, viz. using a handy office chair to remove said window dressing with vigor. This will consequently remove the window, as well, providing you with a handy escape route, should it prove needed. A word to the wise: Know how many floors above the ground you are before defenestrating yourself.

If it is after sunset, or if the room has no windows, remain calm. You still have many methods at your disposal to evaluate whether you’re facing a vampire or a shampire.

Among the most time-tested methods for identifying vampires is to look for their reflection in a mirror. Of course, some rooms are more likely to have mirrors than others. For example, checking for a reflection generally won’t be a problem in a public restroom – though escaping might be, since most restrooms have only one door.

But what happens if the encounter happens in the interior hallway of an office building, or the restaurant’s wine cellar during a large dinner party? The simple answer is to carry a mirror with you. For most women this doesn’t even require special effort, if they have a compact in their handbag. Men who are worried about appearances of carrying might opt for a pocket watch with a mirror inside the cover, or a highly polished silver money clip (inferior to a glass mirror, but better than nothing).

Bear in mind, though, it takes some skill to check for reflections with any small, hand-held mirror without either seeming obvious or turning your back on the suspected vampire.  In fact, the beast will probably thank you, since now you can’t it coming and have made it much easier to latch onto your jugular. Additionally, vampires that have been around for any significant length of time will be aware of standard mirror tactics and well-practiced at stepping aside.

Again, innovative approaches are called for, and here at the Modern Guide we’ve got a favorite trick that’s helped pick out vampires on more than one occasion: Carry a pocket kaleidoscope with you. A kaleidoscope’s magic is done with mirrors, after all, and it works while facing your subject instead of turning your back. Just pull it out and have a look around. Do you see fractured images of that shifty fellow in the dark suit when you point it at him? Then he’s not a vampire, and you can leave the crossbow on your credenza.

Please note that cheap toy kaleidoscopes are basically sealed cardboard tubes filled with glitter and are particularly unsuited to this task. Rather look for a hand-made traditional design like those found at a finer class of artisanal shops. (7)

Where To Look

Perhaps you are one of those eager-beaver types who isn’t content to simply deal with vampires as they find you. Instead, you fancy yourself a budding vampire hunter, and would track these vermin down in their very lairs.

This is inadvisable.

However, if you are resolved upon following this path, far be it from us to dissuade you. (8)

Vampires have become an increasing nuisance in our society, primarily because they can procreate quickly and without cumbersome rituals or dark magics – or, for that matter, having to find a willing sexual partner. It takes less than 24 hours on average to create a new, fully functional vampire; compare this to the labor-intensive manufacturing process for animating zombies, skeletons, and ghouls. (9)

The problem is further compounded by the public’s inexplicable fascination with all things vampiric. Less than one hundred years ago, the thought of Nosferatu lurking in some dark vault would chill the stoutest heart. Today, however, vampires are the toast of popular culture. How did this precipitous reversal of public opinion take place?

As with so many other of society’s ills, this can be traced to television and film – especially during the latter decades of the 20th century. Perhaps no dramatic production did more to advance this phenomenon than “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Indeed, thanks to this show, an entire generation has now grown up with the idea that vampires are sexy, glamorous, and trend-setting. (10)  This image has been reinforced by HBO’s “True Blood” and the Sookie Stackhouse books from which it is drawn and, for younger audiences, the “Twilight” books.

With the rise in the latter half of the 20th century of vampires as protagonists in books, films, and television programs, it was inevitable  that we would eventually see the development of “vamp couture” and even “cosmetic vampistry” among certain gullible members of society.  These vampire wannabes – or “shampires,” as they’re known around the Modern Guide office – pose an especial difficulty for undead watchers, as law enforcement agencies frown upon fatal stakings of vampire groupies.

Today’s vampire hunter must be able to discern not only between the vampire and the man on the street, but also the shampires merely playing Count(ess) Dracula. We believe the skills imparted to you from this booklet will help you to accomplish just that. However, if you do mistake your neighbor’s Goth-loving teenage daughter for a fiend of the night, do not despair. Your purchase of The Modern Guide to Vampires includes one free consultation with our Legal Aid Desk, whose toll-free number is answered 24 hours a day. Be sure to have it on speed dial! (11)

FOOTNOTES

1) For example, if you are invited to a late-night party and your host shows a remarkable familiarity with the daily habits of 16^th century Roma, you might want to keep close to the liquor cabinet and a ready source of flame.

2) It is true that, historically, blood banks were a big attractor for vampires in search of employment. However, since the 1970s major players like the Red Cross have instituted rigorous hiring policies (mostly involving daytime outdoor interviews) aimed at keeping sanguinovores off the payrolls, so it’s quite unheard-of to run into a vampire while donating your monthly pint.

3) This is coloquially known as “the booger test.”

4) “Stake-wielding vigilante injures two at vampire-themed picnic,” The Times (of North Little Rock, Ark.), 6-18-97, page 1A.

5) Supreme Court of the State of Kentucky, Estate of Jeremy Cowper vs. Jefferson Co. Sheriff’s Office, 12-2-05. Court unanimously upholds wrongful death verdict in favor of victim’s estate in case stemming from March 2004 shooting. From the opinion: “The defendant agency’s claim that the fact the victim ‘bared fangs in a threatening manner’ at deputies justified the use of deadly force fails to overcome the obvious fact that the disturbance in question took place shortly after 1 p.m. on a cloudless day in the middle of a grocery store parking lot.”

6) Note: A simple recoil-and-hiss response is insufficient as a measure of proof, as many “shampires” are known to adopt such stereotypical behavior. Look instead for blistering of exposed skin, wisps of smoke, visible flames, and of course the tell-tale odor of burning flesh.

7) A selection of finely crafted mirror kaleidoscopes can be found in the Modern Guide Catalogue of Useful Undead-Thwarting Devices, also available from this publisher.

8) Although we do strongly suggest you obtain a suitable insurance policy, such as those offered by the Vampire Hunter’s Widows and Orphans Benevolent Fund, administered by the Modern Guide Corp. More information is available at the phone number printed on the back of this booklet.

9) Can you quickly distinguish a ghoul from a zombie? Learn how to identify these and 27 other graveyard denizens on sight with The Modern Guide’s Undead Identification Wall Chart, also available from this publisher.

10) This raises another intriguing question: Is “Buffy” creator Joss Whedon a vampire, himself, or merely a convenient stooge?  We can’t say because he has not responded to our repeated requests for an interview, and none of our staff has been able to get within kaleidoscope range of his person.

11) However, if this sort of unfortunate incident happens to you more than once, we strongly encourage you to sign up for the Modern Guide Accidental Death and/or De-Sanguination Insurance Policy, available at a reasonable monthly premium from one of the helpful representatives in our customer service department.